Monday, August 1, 2016

The Kook And The Zombie Attack!

Kook PatrolIt was about 2:15 PM Friday afternoon at Mystic Investigations headquarters as we went about our supernatural business. Everyone was looking forward to the fun filled weekend! Except those of us who choose to sacrifice our personal time to patrol the community, and rid it of any metaphysical menaces. Most of our executives were out on paranormal investigations including our most powerful team members that included a Demi-Mermaid Witch, a telekinetic psychic, a human form werewolf, and an Ex-Navy Seal. Our vampire Executive VP was working from home. All was quiet, the way I like it, when all the sudden a crazy chubby guy bursts into our sunny lobby. He was sweating profusely even though he was wearing a rather thin Batman t-shirt, and plaid shorts.  The weirdo was on his cell phone screaming about not wanting to be committed to the funny farm.  Our receptionist Barb Gerber was frozen in fear as he came flying at her with a wild look in his deranged eyes. He bellowed,”Somebody help me! They’re after me! I don’t want to go to the looney bin!”  He was so loud that most of us working upstairs heard the commotion.  As President of Mystic Investigations I immediately sprung into action, and bolted from my office to the 2nd floor balcony looking down into the lobby. The rest of the employees upstairs came running up behind me.

The kook was now frantically grabbing at Barb who pushed the panic alarm that proceeded to wail throughout our entire facility complete with flashing red light.  This also triggered sensitive areas to automatically be locked down. He whined loudly,”They’re going to put me in a straight jacket in the cuckoo house!  For the love of God please help me!” I don’t want to go to the rubber room!” He then screamed into the phone,”F*ck you bastards! I’ll die before I go to your hell hole!” He launched the phone at the wall, and it smashed into 1000 pieces as other employees on the first floor cautiously peered from two entrances into the lobby. I had seen enough of this insanity, and leaped over the balcony landing on my feet in the lobby as I have extensive training in Ninjutsu acrobatics!  I grabbed the bastards arm, and spun him around to give the old school Liam Neeson “Taken” style throat chop.  The chubby fool fell to the floor holding his throat now sobbing, and coughing profusely. I then calmly announced,”Okay folks everyone back to work! Nothing to see here! Everything is okay!”

Doctor Ashley Abercrombie, our Demi-Zombie Cryptozoologist, emerged from her basement laboratory after hearing the alarm.  She asked if everything was okay, and I pointed to the man lying on the floor still crying, and gagging.  I then said,”Yeah this nut burger needs a sedative or something!” I chuckled a bit as I spoke to the guy,”Hey pal just shake it off. It’s not that bad!” I exclaimed to Ashley,”I think he’s just over exaggerating! It was just a light tap to the throat area.”  She examined his neck, and was about to take a syringe from her lab jacket when four muscular men in white came in.  They looked like orderly’s from a mental institution.  The approached me, and said,”Ah there’s the bastard! He got away from us!” as they pointed to the wacko. They all smirked a bit, and flashed a paper while saying,”We got commitment orders for this guy. Looks like you saved us the trouble of sedating him.”  We all laughed lightly as Ashley stated,”I was just actually about to administer a sedative.”  The man in white asked,”Are you a Doctor?” Ashley stated she was licensed to practice medicine in Colorado so they allowed her to give the man a much needed sedative. He quickly calmed down, and was only lightly sobbing, and coughing every so often now. The man in white then said,”Okay we’ll take this loon off your hands. Do you need any statement for the police?” I replied,”Nah it’s not even worth the trouble to call them. Just give this poor bastard the help he so desperately needs” The man answered,”Oh we will Sir! Thanks for containing this menace to society!”  I responded,”Ah don’t mention it. The day was kind of boring until this happened.”

Two of the men grabbed the now calm mental patient by each arm as he shuffled barely able to walk under the influence of the sedative.  Ashley suddenly questioned them as they neared the front door, “Are you taking him to the Shadowbrook Institute?”  The man in white turned around smiling,”Yeah Miss! We’ll take good care of him there! Thanks for your help!” Ashley then forceful declared,”That’s odd since Shadowbrook closed three years ago!” I then yelled,”Hey wait a minute! Let me see those commitment papers again!”  All the men dashed for the door but I whipped out my remote security control to lock it.  Now trapped within they all turned around no longer smiling as one said,”Damn you just had to stick your nose where it didn’t belong!”  The chubby guy turned around crying while silently pleading,”Please help me.”

The head thug in white pulled out a handgun and fired point blank at me!  Ashley leaped in front of me taking the slug like a trooper.  Naturally she’s half zombie, and can’t be killed by a simple bullet. Just as she fell to the floor I speedily front hand sprung toward the gun totting bastard, and kicked the gun from his hand as I took on all four of the hefty men in white.  The chubby guy fell to the floor like a helpless slug while Ashley appeared dead. Soon she would self-resurrect as per the power of her unique stable zombie DNA.  A number of employees had fled the building upon hearing the alarm, and the rest who remained were just office workers with no fighting skill or supernatural field experience so I was on my own.  Barb the receptionist quickly dialed the police as I battled the rather large men utilizing not only my Ninjutsu skills but also my extensive Kung Fu skills. Humans can never learn enough martial arts when facing paranormal beings with superpowers on a weekly basis!

The other men attempted to pull out their guns but my lightning quick blows disarmed them with the guns kicked under furniture, and behind large potted plants in the warm sun drenched lobby.  Finally three of the men were on the ground attempting to recover from precision punches, and kicks but one snuck up behind me!  The bastard put me in a chokehold as he sarcastically whispered in my ear,”Don’t fight it jackass! Don’t fight it!” Another thug got up, and began belting me in the face, and stomach while laughing maniacally. Some of the employees attempted to help me but they were immediately swatted away by the other two who staggered up. Ashley sprung up from the floor right behind the man who had me in the chokehold. She bit a huge chunk of flesh out of his neck despite fighting the zombie urge to eat human flesh her entire life.  Blood spurted everywhere as the man screamed in terror now infected with the zombie virus!  I was nearly passed out and collapsed to the floor. The other three men just stood scared with looks of sheer horror on their faces.  Ashley’s eyes turned an ominous inhuman gray, almost silver, color that reflected the sunlight in an other worldly manner. She stood at the foot of the now fallen man in white, and blood stained clothing.  He gripped his neck making a gurgling sound as he coughed up blood.  Ashley menacingly walked slowly toward the terrified men, and one said,”She’s just a little crazy bitch! We can take her!”

One of the employees barfed at the sight of the bloody carnage as Ashley attacked the rest of the men in a zombie induced rampage. Her gutteral growling send chills up everyone’s spines! Virtually everyone including Barb, the Receptionist, fled the building out the back screaming at the sight of a live horror movie taking place before their very eyes! The entire lobby was literally sprayed with blood to the point that the windows were now filtering sunlight in with a crimson tint!  The distinctive metallic scent of blood wafted through the air like slaughterhouse! Ashley seriously lost control for the first time in her life.  Plausibly a combination of being shot, the danger & adrenaline rush of the situation, and a complete denial of her cannibalistic hunger!  I got to my feet, and ordered Ashley to stop but it was too late. All four men were dead, and she was about to go after the poor chubby guy lying in the corner! I yelled,”Ashley snap out of this zombie crap!” as I slapped her hard in the face! She growled, and lunged at me! I was shocked as she was always the most calm, and logical member of our supernatural crime fighting team. I had no wish to acquire the zombie virus so I fled the lobby, and used my remote to close the steel emergency containment doors trapping her within.  I had mere seconds before she reset her sights on the helpless chubby guy. I quickly entered a secret doorway behind the bookshelf leading to an extensive set of hidden corridors in our facility. I came out a secret door behind her, and pulled the chubster in with me.  She spun around, and ran toward us but the door was safely locked. I could hear her growling, and clawing at it like a wild maniac!

I immediately ordered the complete evacuation of the facility while calling the executives back to headquarters.  Unfortunately the Woodland Springs Police arrived just then, and I had no idea how I was going to explain my zombie situation along with a lobby full of slaughtered men! I called my friend Sheriff Blake Maverick who knew about the real world of the supernatural, and thankfully he declared jurisdiction over the police ordering them to leave. Our Senior Vice-President, and Demi-Mermaid Witch Rebecca Abernathy was the first to arrive flying down from the sky in her Mystic Sphere energy bubble.  She landed discretely in the back of our facility within the woods.  She came running up through the shocked employees milling around out back unsure what to do next. Once inside I apprised Rebecca of the situation, and she immediately mixed up a potion of Stinking Nightshade, and Purple Passion. Both are known zombie repellants that should theoretically return Ashley to her right mind. In essence repelling her zombie half so her human half could take control again.  From the balcony above Rebecca launched a large balloon filled with the stuff down to the lobby below as Ashley looked up at us snarling at us while sending shivers throughout our body with her dead cold eyes! The balloon burst near her, and the entire area smelled like hell itself!

Ashley passed out for a minute or so before awakening now aware at what she’d done. She started crying,”Oh my God what have I done?”  I lifted the security doors, and we entered the blood stained lobby. I reassured Ashley these men were evil murderers, and it was self-defense.  Rebecca took her home to watch over her the next few days after this unfortunate zombie episode. I also sent everyone home for the day, and told them this was just a drill. Nothing had actually happened. It was all a special effects act to see how they’d react to a horrifying incident. Most of them seemed to buy it as they usually did.  Especially when the Sheriff reassured them my story was true.  I kept the chubby guy sedated in our secret panic room until we were ready to deal with him, and figure out what was going on here.

Firstly we had to clean up mess in the lobby. I called in our team of Supernatural Crime Scene Cleaning Specialists to dispose of the zombie virus infected corpses, and wipe down the bloody lobby. A complete metaphysical deodorization to eradicate the wretched stink of the zombie repellent potion! Their efficient work returned things to normal by the end of the business day. Our executive team fed the chubby guy, and gave him a fresh set of clothes. He informed us that his name was Fred Jacobson. I remorsefully apologized to Fred for throat chopping him.  A now calm, and rational Fred said he understood it had to be done. We quickly ran a background check, and interviewed him along with searching the white van the four thugs had pulled up in. Our Psychic Julia Hathaway also read Fred’s mind as well. Once our Executive VP the Vampire Drake Alexander arrived the final piece of the puzzle came together as he detected a very distinctive aroma in Fred’s blood. What we discovered was a sinister plot to harvest Fred’s unique blood since it seems that this nutty overweight guy was in fact unknowingly an Immortal.  The type of human Immortal born by evolutionary fluke every so often as is the case with the most famous of his kind. The actor Keanu Reeves who we personally know. It seems Fred’s blood test at the local blood bank set off secret spyware in the computer system which then sent an automated message to a powerful vampire in Colorado Springs. Vampires relish in certain supernatural bloods. Especially human Immortals!  The four thugs were the associates of the notoriously murderous Vampire Cortez!

To Be Continued In The Next Few Days….

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Tuesday, May 31, 2016

The Terrenceville Terrors

Ghostly TownSomewhere in Southwest Colorado lies the forgotten ghost town of Terrenceville where a nearby Insane Asylum was de-funded by the State Government in 1903. Asylum Director Shawn Adams let loose all the kooks rather than cooperating with a procedural transfer to another facility. It was an act of revenge for the loss of his prestigious job.  Most of the patients went missing, and were never seen again!  Out of embarrassment the State deep-sixed the entire debacle, and covered up the entire incident which was easy enough before the advent of modern mass media.  It was rumored the patient’s hid among the abandoned buildings of Terrenceville, and inbred with each other along with tourists they kidnapped.  Over the past century various people have claimed missing tourists, and local residents ended up the victims of the mentally ill ghost town populace. Inspection of the town by various law enforcement agencies yielded no sign of any so called residents. So the Terrenceville terrors were always touted as an urban legend.  Mainly by high school, and college students looking to frighten each other. In some cases merchants in nearby communities bolstered the story of the loony bin town to increase tourism.  Now the tales of terror this town has inspired have finally been confirmed as true by us here at Mystic Investigations!

Some of the Mystic Investigations Team barreled down the dusty highway at high noon in the Mystic RV heading back to Woodland Springs, Colorado from a supernatural symposium in Farmington, New Mexico.  It had been a productive two day meeting of paranormal professionals from around the Southwest United States. At the wheel was Mystic Investigations President Xavier Remington. That would indeed be me! Research Assistant, and Werewolf Seth Morgan came up with the brilliant idea to take a shortcut through Terrenceville for a brief impromptu investigation of our own.  Unfortunately none of us had ever heard the urban legend when I said why not, and maneuvered down the tumbleweed ridden dirt road.  We were all eager to get home for Memorial Day Weekend but our curiosity got the better of us!  As we spotted the ghost town ahead both front tires blew loudly, and I hit the brakes.  The RV skidded further, and then the back tires blew as well! Upon inspection we discovered rusty old railroad spikes semi-buried in the dirt road.  We only had one spare tire, and as usual those pesky cell phones can’t get any signal when you really need them the most.  So we decided to wait until our Executive-Vice President Drake Alexander woke up from under the hidden compartment in the floor safely away from the sunlight.  Once a vampire is in a deep sleep he’s impossible to wake-up!  Especially if he’s in the Astral Dream Plane visiting with other vampire spirits from around the world.  We did try to shake him awake but it was no use. The intent was to have him run at super vampire speed to the nearest town, and get a tow truck. Or possibly hoist the whole RV on his back with us inside, and then carry it to town. However that was probably somewhat outside his strength range as a 5th generation vampire.  Certainly his vampire mother Duanna Sargon, a 4th generation vampire, could have accomplished it!

On this trip it was just me, Drake, Seth, our Cryptozoologist, and Demi-Zombie Doctor Ashley Abercrombie (Seth’s Girlfriend), Investigator Elizabeth Weatherly, and Ghost Buster Rob Edmunds.  Back at Mystic Investigations Headquarters Senior Vice-President & Demi-Mermaid Witch Rebecca Abernathy was left in command.  It was 8 AM so we had a good amount of time to kill before sunset.  We scattered to explore the abandoned community that sprung up during the 1800’s as a mining town as evidenced by the nearby rusty railroad tracks presumably leading to an old mine.  Only Seth, and Ashley stayed together while the rest of us went off alone. Elizabeth Weatherly was a British stowaway on the infamous sinking 1912 Titanic when my time traveling brother Michael Remington brought her to the future.  She had read about the old west, and hoped to see it along with the rest of the United States when she was on her way here aboard the ill fated Titanic.  She entered a Curio Shop, and was surprised to find a few antiques still lying around.  It was odd nobody had stolen them all these years, and they were without dust as if just placed there.

She opened a music box that played a most macabre sounding tune.  Suddenly she heard the floor creak. She turned around to see what appeared to be a disfigured looking teenager with one eye far larger than the other.  Elizabeth shrieked, and ran out of the shop only to see an otherwise beautiful looking young woman with a full on beard skipping, and dancing toward her in a disturbing manner while holding her long skirt.  She was singing a song about slicing people up while displaying a sinister smile.  Elizabeth screamed,”Help!”, and was about to run down the main street when a big brute carrying a bloody ax came strolling across the street toward her.  She instead bolted in between the buildings frantically but was met by the disfigured boy, and an even more horrifying looking individual who resembled the Elephant Man.  Her howls for help fell silent as the bearded woman came up behind her, and placed her hand over Elizabeth’s mouth.  The bearded lady then whispered in her ear,”Be silent sweetheart or your friends will die long agonizing deaths. You’re a member of our family now!  Earl John seriously needs a wife.”  A somewhat less than savory looking man, yet not deformed, stepped up from behind Elephant boy, and said,”She’s mighty pretty! Oh might pretty indeed!”  The ax wielding behemoth named Jeb arrived next to the bearded woman, and said to her,”The future father of your unborn child must have heard the screams.  He’s running this way!”

Rob Edmunds ran into the alley between the wood buildings but found nobody. However he noticed the dirt freshly scuffed about indicating someone had been there recently.  He spun around to find the motley crew of societal rejects.  Rob was then instantly met with the butt of an axe to the face courtesy of the the muscular 7 foot tall Jeb!   Out cold he eventually awoke in a dark room with mouth gagged, and hands tied to a squeaky old bed.  The bearded lady named Shelly Ann tending to his head wound.  She silently reassured him,”Shhhhh honey we’re together now.  If you treat me right I might shave my beard off for the honeymoon.”  Rob lie there thinking,”Oh God please shave that thing off if I have to go through with this!” LOL!

I was in the tavern looking around imagining a piano playing, card games taking place among cowboys, and gun fights being instigated.  I did think it was interesting that the place looked rather clean when there was an open door letting dust blow in. A small tumbleweed even blew in while I was there.  I was looking into the shattered mirror in back of the bar when I saw the axe wielding giant Jeb behind me.  I said,”Well hello there big fella?  Are you with the Welcome Wagon?”  He ran at me roaring ready to ax me good but I thew two Ninja stars at him rapid fire. One hit his hand causing the axe to fall to the floor.  He fell to his knees, and I roundhouse kicked him in the face causing him to fall backward. I hopped over his hulking form, and ran on to Main Street.  Before I knew it a swarm of freaks came out of various buildings holding large sticks, and sharp implements. One even had a pitchfork!  I then declared,”I never felt so welcome in a town before. The love I’m feeling right now is really heartwarming guys.  Seriously I’m feeling a special connection here!”  Yes in dangerous situations I often act like a smart ass. It’s a defense mechanism. LOL!  They ran at me screaming with crazed looks in their deranged eyes!  I then utilized my special martial arts mix of Kung Fu, and Ninjutsu to let loose my fists of fury, and crushing kicks amid my flying Ninja stars, and throwing knives.

As I fought the mob off I grabbed a broom handle from one of them, and began swinging it around wildly batting them away.  These wayward wackos were coming out of the woodwork in droves, and a whack to the back of the head brought my epic battle to an end!  I awoke on a wood floor with my head aching in what appeared to be a jail with one of my legs chained to the wall.  The sunlight filtered through the boarded up windows with the shadow of the axe loving jerk named Jeb sitting nearby.  Once he saw I was awake he walked over with a menacing look on his face, and said,”If you weren’t already promised to my sister Sue Ellen I’d rip your guts out, and feed them to my hogs!”  I replied,”Oh for joy! You’re the dream brother-in-law I always wanted you big bastard!”  He literally rattled my cage, and roared like an enraged gorilla while unlocking the jail cell. I got up, and he punched me in the gut causing me double over back on to the floor. I then muttered,”May I have another sir?” He then kicked me in the stomach, and I barely replied,”Awwww God thank you! I loooooove it!”  He let out a guttural roar again before locking the cell, and stomping out of the building slamming the door behind him.  I sat on floor allowing my head wound to rapidly heal as all my injuries inexplicably seemed to do since I was a child. This despite the fact that our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie certified I wasn’t supernatural in any way.  Once I was back to full fighting ability I planned to escape, and save my team members.

Seth, and Ashley went to the outskirts of the town following the railroad tracks as they indulged in their romance holding hands in the desert like wild west outdoors.  They entered a dark mine shaft as Seth joked,”Let’s see if we can find some gold to make a ring for you!”  They giggled amid the darkness that they could see in since Seth had enhanced Werewolf eyesight, and Ashley had a more limited ability with her Demi-Zombie vision.  Seth was by no means in control of his Lycanthrope transformations, and was beholden to the Full Moon.  However in human form he did have enhanced strength, speed, agility, and senses.  Still nowhere near that of our 5th generation vampire associate Drake Alexander who still lie asleep under the floors of the Mystic RV in a sealed special tank to prevent him from burning to flames in the light of the holy sun!

Meanwhile a group of nutty Terrenceville citizens entered our RV scavenging it for supplies.  A man named Thomas Allen, the Mayor, and leader of the morons, said,”After you pick this bastard clean get the tractor, and pull this thing out by the barn.  I think it’s high time I had a proper Mayor’s office!”  Drake Alexander deep in vampire sleep was in the astral plane visiting various vampire blood relations including his vampire Mother Duanna Sargon who was currently sleeping in a New York City penthouse. He was unaware of the nefarious happenings going on above him nor in the ghost town around him.

Seth, and Ashley found an ore cart on some tracks.  Seth said,”Hey let’s ride this thing! Looks like fun!” Ashley replied,”Why not!”  He shoved it off with them inside, and further down the sloping mine shaft they went. They pulled out their trusty LED pen flashlights as every remnant of daylight disappeared  At the end of the line they climbed out, and headed down a side tunnel because they both smelled something peculiar. The tunnel opened up into a larger cavern. There they witnessed the horrific sight of over a century’s worth of rotting beheaded corpses, and skeletons riddled about the cave.  Seth commented,”Man this is jacked up in a major way!”  They decided to head back, and tell the others about what they found.  Unfortunately they didn’t get far as bright lights were switched on, and a group of loony locals were blocking the way out with sinister smiles on their sick faces!

An old woman wearing creepy mime make-up said,”You really shouldn’t have come down here.  We can’t really let you leave now.  By the way how on Earth could you see in here with those small flashlights?”  Seth replied,”Oh I’m a Werewolf, and my girlfriend here is a human-zombie hybrid.”  The old woman wasn’t amused while some laughed, and a few of the younger ones acted scared.  She turned to the frightened ones, and said,”Don’t fret! They’re just silly sacrifices for our Director Lord Savior The Shawn Adams.”  She pointed toward a side chamber as the pitch fork, and sharp stick wielding clan marched forward.  They all ended up in a room with some despicable looking religious altar with the well preserved body of a man in a suit embalmed inside a glass case with liquid in it.  The old woman continued,”He released our ancestors from the very bowels of hell itself!”  Ashley replied,”I bet you mean a mental institution don’t you?”  She saw some papers on the altar indicating who the man was. The old woman screeched,”Shut up, and be grateful for the privilege of being a sacrifice to The Shawn Adams!”  The normally well reserved, and respectful Dr. Abercrombie then replied,”I’m more grateful for having the privilege of punching you in the face!”  At that moment Ashley did just that, and Seth joined the fray in the chamber of horrors! Clearly the group was taken by surprise at the enhanced abilities of this unusual paranormal dynamic duo.  Seth heard more people coming down the mineshaft, and they both ran in order to prevent being trapped. On the way up they fought through more townsfolk.  Seth picking up a number of men, and tossing them aside.  The attackers looked shocked at how easily a small girl like Ashley could knock them to the ground.  Once out of the mine they fled the scene quickly!

Unfortunately the group in the Mystic RV managed to find the controls to open the hidden compartments including the weapons cache.  The Mayor now holding a machine gun along with the rest of his now well armed group cut Seth, and Ashley off at the pass.  The Mayor then coldly yelled,”Kill them now!”  Bullets flew everywhere riddling the bodies of both Seth, and Ashley before they could spring away.  Their lifeless bodies were then returned to the mine shaft altar for proper sacrificing as the Mayor put it.

Back in the jail I heard the mass gunfire, and picked the old lock on the rusty chain around my leg with a hidden tool I always carry with me.  I picked the cell door lock as well, and then easily kicked down the old wood door of the jailhouse along with beating the ever loving hell out of guy standing guard!  I ran in the direction of the gunfire to witness Ashley, and Seth being dragged away leaving a trail of blood behind.  Although I wasn’t particularly alarmed as I was rather sure they were still alive. You can’t kill a Werewolf nor a half-zombie with mere bullets! There was however a part of me that wondered if any of them shot the one gun that was loaded with silver bullets!  If that was the case then Seth was a goner for sure. Thankfully Ashley would not be affected since silver doesn’t hurt zombies. I lurked back to the RV to see them removing the metal casket with Drake sleeping inside.  They opened it as the Mayor tested for a pulse, and breathing yet found none.  Luckily it was under the shade of a large tree otherwise his body would have began smoking, and eventually catching fire in the light of the holy sun. He then said to one of his cohorts,”Maybe these folks are our kind of people driving around with a fresh corpse!  Take him to the sacrifice chamber.”  At the time I wasn’t worried because I had no idea that their method of sacrifice was beheading. A sure way to kill a vampire! I couldn’t worry about the supernatural members of my team now because I had to find the humans Rob, and Elizabeth. I promised my brother Michael I’d keep Elizabeth safe the last time I saw him before he left on his last trip through time never to be seen again.  At that moment Elizabeth was being forcibly bathed in a horse trough after having her clothes ripped clean off.  The bearded woman Shelly Ann whispered gently to her,”You’re going to love Earl John.  He’s such a big man if you know what I mean?”  She giggled as Elizabeth cringed at the thought.  A girl ran in, and happily exclaimed,”Hurry up, and get her dressed the Preacher is ready for the wedding!”  Shelly Ann, and two other women helped her out of the tub to dress Elizabeth in a dirty white wedding gown.  Shelly was excited,”After you get hitched it’s my turn with your friend Rob!  In fact I have to go get ready now.  You gals tend to her, and make sure she gets to the church!”  I saw the bearded woman run off as I sneaked up on the building.  Sure enough there was Elizabeth standing there as naked as the day was long! LOL!  I allowed her the dignity of getting dressed before I entered.  I ran in and demanded,”She’s coming with me ladies!”  One grabbed Elizabeth, and the other came at me with a large rusty razor blade.  I easily overpowered her while Elizabeth elbow jabbed the other in the ribs.  We both hightailed it out of there, and headed for the hills as the women screamed we were escaping.

Rob wasn’t having it so easy as he was being literally hosed off in a horse stall in a rickety old barn.  The three men standing there were laughing as the man with the hose yelled,”Come on spread those legs!  You need to be clean for your wedding night!”  Shelly Ann strolled in just then, and gazed upon Rob with lust in her deranged eyes as he covered up with his hands.  Shelly then said,”Oh don’t be shy sweetheart!  We’re going have so many nights of love together.  I know it’s supposed to be bad luck to see the bride before the wedding but I just couldn’t bear to stay away from you honey! I just got a new blade so I’ll be shaving my beard soon.  I think I look absolutely divine with just a mustache don’t you think boys?”  The men all giggled, and nodded.  The bearded woman turned around to leave but she fell to the hay lined barn floor because Elizabeth punched her in the face. I grabbed the hose from one of the guys, and began rapidly wrapping it around each one while simultaneously punching, and kicking them.  They lie knotted up on the ground rather quickly.  Elizabeth tied Shelly up, and gagged her because she kept screaming.  Rob got dressed, and said,”Am I glad to see you guys!”  As I had been skulking around I estimated there were well over a 100 residents in this so called town! We all made our way to the mine as quickly as possible hiding from terrifying townsfolk along the way!

Seth was placed on the altar of The Shawn Adams ready for beheading by axe courtesy of the giant Jeb.  Ashley, and Drake lie next in line.  All appeared to be dead but they weren’t.  Seth’s bullet wounds were rapidly healing. Ashley’s far less quickly due to her zombie half not getting the human flesh it needed because she refuses to partake of such cannibalistic acts! Fortunately she could most likely still function being riddled with bullets. Drake a vampire fast asleep without a care in the world was about to meet his demonic maker!  Jeb stood menacing over the sleeping Seth as he raised his axe with sinister glee, and let out a guttural roar, and exclaimed,”This one’s for you my Holy Lord & Saviour The Shawn Adams!”….

To Be Continued…..Now of course since I’m telling you what happened I’m the only one you know survived this ordeal for sure! At least I got back in time to celebrate Memorial Day! LOL!

 

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Friday, March 25, 2016

Rowdy Ransomware Roust

The Case Of The Cyber-Voodoo Extortionist Hacker!
Ransomware DemandTuesday morning started off with a bang when we were unable to access any of our computer files!  Then we got an ominous email from a horrifying hacker holding our sensitive supernatural files for ransom.  We were a victim of the infamous Ransomware! A computer virus that locks files via an encryption code which gives a hacker leverage to extort money from individuals, and businesses. If we didn’t pay $2.2 million dollars the heinous hacker said our files would be deep-sixed into oblivion, and beyond! This includes our precious paranormal database of supernatural secrets amassed over the last 10 years along with our resident vampire Executive VP Drake Alexander’s 700 years of personal journals painstakingly scanned into digital form.  Of course he at least still has the original texts.  Conventional hacking is impossible in our paranormal crime fighting facility since our resident witch Rebecca Abernathy had incorporated multi-layered magical encryption with the aid of our computer whiz kid, and cyborg Zack Powers. Unfortunately it seems we were compromised by a Voodoo Master who called himself Voodoo Victor.  He apparently used a unique computer cyber-curse voodoo virus he paranormally patented to partake of pestering people for extortion money! His emails demanding money were smug, and so full of pride bragging about how he beat the marvelous Mystic Investigations! In fact our angry replies took the ransom from the original $1.3 million to the final $2.2 million figure!  Our bad! :)

Fortunately those replies, and responses from this filthy fiend allowed Rebecca, Zack, and our Psychic Julia Hathaway to locate his wretched ransomware rear!  A method of GPS map scrying, and supernatural server tracking did the trick! We’ll give him credit. He was smart bouncing the emails off 13 different computer servers around the world.  He led us to believe he was in Nigeria because we were supposed to wire the money to a Nigerian bank account. However we ultimately found the blasphemous bastard was in New Orleans, Louisiana.  No surprise since it’s nearly the top ranked Voodoo practitioner location in the world second only to Haiti!  Once we knew where the son of bitch was we toned down our responses, and said we were in the midst of raising the funds.  Drake Alexander had his new private jet prepped at our local airport here in Woodland Springs, Colorado, and within a few hours we were in the air headed to Louisiana for some sweet revenge!

We landed at Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport at about 3 PM Central Time.  We then promptly rented some SUV’s, and raced to Cajun Bayou country!  As we entered the muggy swamps of the Bayou Rebecca began scrying on a local paper map we got at the Chamber Of Commerce.  An hour, and a half later we stopped at the end of a muddy dirt road, and exited our vehicles cautiously.A series of wood boardwalks navigated through the scum ridden swamp ahead of us.  Drake utilized his eagle eyed vampire vision to see a small cabin in the distance.  We were about to walk on to the wood construction when at least a dozen Zombies began blasting out of the Earth at light speed. Clearly such fast moving zombies were the product of magic.  Most likely Voodoo!

I bellowed the command,”Evasive walking dead attack pattern Delta Seven!”  Everyone sprung into action as we took out the zombie scourge with extreme unrelenting prejudice!  Everyone fought with their specialty tools of the trade. I used my trusty sword, Drake used his bare hands, Rebecca her magic, Zack his bionic strength, Julia telekinesis, and our Cryptozoologist Ashley Abercrombie just stood there smiling as two zombies barely bit her before racing away to be eradicated by the rest of us! She’s an extremely rare Human-Zombie Hybrid so she’s immune to the Zombie Virus, and her flesh is repellent to the mindless living dead drones. Generally she’d rather not fight, and often plays dead since she can halt her heartbeat, and breathing.  As the despicable rotted remains of the zombies were strewn about, and on us we all jumped in the swamp to wash up a bit.  Then we headed down the boardwalk.

When we came to the cabin we could see three satellite dishes on top, and heard maniacal laughter coming from inside. As we neared the front door we could hear a man talking to someone on the phone,”Yeah I got six different high class chumps pissing their pants! If all goes well it’ll be a cool 11.3 million for us! Who knew Voodoo could be so damn freaking profitable!” Then the crazy cackling started up again before he said,”Yeah bye Foster.” When he hung the phone up we kicked the door in, and I said,”Surprise Motherf@$&*#!”  Voodoo Victor was a giant horizontally challenged slob who was stuffing his face full of Crawfish with some kind of red sauce dripping down his greasy white t-shirt.  We startled him so badly he started choking as he frantically grabbed a Voodoo Doll while holding a lighter to it.  He spat up some of the Crayfish he was gagging on, and then stuttered,”Sttt-sttay the the h-h-hell away! When you you entered that door a magical dust flew you, and cemented a curse!  This doll is you now!  I light this bitch, and you’ll all go up in flames! Think I’m joking! Try me!”  Victor then singed the hair on the doll to prove his point. A small tuft of everyone’s hair, except for Drake, and Rebecca, lit ablaze briefly as we patted our heads in a moment of panic!

Voodoo Victor snidely snickered a bit but then inquired,”What the hell? Why didn’t it work on you two?”  Rebecca then smiled slyly saying,”I’m half Mermaid, and he’s a vampire you big dumb dumb! You need a more powerful Voodoo doll to effect us!” He then nervously chuckled,”Are you crazy? Magic, Zombies, Aliens, and Ghosts are real but the rest is science fiction!”  Drake replied,”You’re a misinformed idiot!  We’re from Mystic Investigations, and we want the damn encryption code to our files now!”  Drake then extended his sharp fangs, and caused his eyes to glow a menacing crimson.  Victor screamed like a little girl, and lit the Voodoo doll on fire.  Rebecca yelled forth for her active witchcraft power,”Noooo! Mystic Sphere! Nec Aer”  She threw her hands forth encapsulating the doll, and Victor in her pink translucent energy orb.  She also added that no air be in it.  The flames instantly extinguished, and we only felt a few seconds of pain.  Victor was trapped within gasping for air.  I walked up to the clear pink metaphysical energy sphere, and demanded,”The codes now! Your Voodoo is a joke!”  He then gasped,”It’s the blue USB flash drive on the table with your company’s name on it!” I walked over with Zack, and we found it along with a pile of other USB sticks.  There was also information in his computer about everyone he was extorting from.  In addition we found two bank accounts with 3 million dollars in them combined.

Rebecca popped her paranormal bubble, and Drake picked a beyond frightened Voodoo Victor up with one hand lofting him into the air before throwing him across the room causing a table to collapse under his immense weight.  He had to be at least 350 pounds!  Vic lie on the floor sweaty, and pleaded,”Don’t take anything but your flash drive! I owe powerful people money! They’ll come after you!”  We laughed, and I told Drake,”I guess we can’t let him live now?”  Drake smiled, and nodded as he strolled over growling like a tiger. He picked Victor up again, and pretended he was about to sink his fangs into him but stopped short only to mesmerize him with vampire hypnosis.  He made Voodoo Victor not only forget about us but who he even was.  He told Victor he was an Alligator, and then threw him out the window into the swamp water.  Victor peacefully swam away never to be seen again!  We transferred the confiscated 3 million to our off shore Cayman Islands account for redistribution to the victims with the rest, of unknown origin, going to charity. After collecting all the data we lit the cabin ablaze, and drove back to New Orleans. Along the way we sent the codes back to our Colorado headquarters, and an employee was able to unlock all our files!  The man Victor was talking to was named Foster Hanks. Hanks was living in Nigeria so we had some local paranormal associates of ours pick him up, and turn him over to the authorities.There was no evidence of anyone else in on this global computer caper. Hopefully this matter was closed, and there wasn’t any power players involved in this extortion racket.

As long as we were there we decided we might as well spend the night in New Orleans. We ate at the highly honored, and awarded Commander’s Palace which usually requires reservations weeks in advance but Drake, and Rebecca mesmerized everyone. We could have eaten for free but we never use our powers in an immoral way….well not overly immoral anyway! LOL! :)  We ended up spending the night at the prestigious Ritz-Carlton Hotel.  Drake actually had an old immortal friend, named Fabricia Albus, who holds a permanent room there, and they caught up on old times. Luckily this was the usual time of year she spent in New Orleans since she travels a lot. Before we went to bed we had walked about the local area including Canal, and Bourbon Streets. On Bourbon Street a charming woman named Lisa Wexler had her purse suddenly stolen by a petty thief.  Drake caught him in a jiffy, hypnotized the perp to never commit another crime in his life, and returned her purse.  Drake, and Lisa talked a bit before we continued experiencing the night life of New Orleans until about 1 AM.  It turns out Lisa is the owner of a company in Wisconsin that specializes in wondrous Werewolf traps we will definitely utilize in the future!  Werewolves are people too! We capture, contain, and release after returning to human form at dawn whenever possible!

Mystic Investigations Organization Command Chart
Mystic Investigations Org Chart

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Tuesday, December 1, 2015

How to get Sophie Monk's spy camel toe


Celebs keep fit running in the mornings, Sophie Monk isn't an exception. For the run she puts on fitting pants and it's easy to get her spy toe Watch this gallery now!

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